The Stench of Cancer

One of the toughest things about being a cancer survivor is the way the relapse of a friend affects you.  Just when you think things are back to normal, there’s that reminder that mine can come back – just like theirs did.  When there is a death, it really hits home.  I find myself feeling that “it’s only a matter of time before it’s me”.  Right now, I know of four ladies fighting stage 4 cancer.

Today, I feel deflated.  My friend was given some very tough news at her doctor visit.  Tricia’s pancreatic cancer is probably back.  She is the only person I know who has survived pancreatic cancer – now this –two years later.  I’m thankful for those two years.  She is too. 

I’m scared.  I’m upset.  I’m sad.  I’m thankful.  I’m confused.  We’ve often talked about this and how much we worry about our families when our time comes.  I don’t want this.  I hate this.   She’s been a walking miracle for 11.5 years, but I want the miracle to last so much longer.  She is such an inspiration to me.  She is such a lovely lady.  Dare I ask God for more?  Yes, I will.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will come and it could be your last,
Don't waste time trying to fix the past,
Just enjoy each day as if it were your last,
For that day will come and you life will be the past!

By LAURA, Pennsylvania

DREAMS

I look to the sky and what do I see?
A castle, a rainbow, and dreams for me,
An end to this battle that I must fight,
To rid my feelings of depression and fright,
An end to cancer is not far away,
It will be here someday... someday.

Sun Rise

If tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise
And find your eyes all filled with tears for me
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today
Well thinking of the many things we didn't get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time you think of me
I know you miss me too....

CHERISH EVERY MOMENT

Life is too short
Don't waste a minute
Enjoy each day
And everyone in it

Tomorrow will come
It could be your last
Make the most of today
Life passes too fast.

Author Unknown

Waterfall

A life is an endless stream.
Yeah there are rapids
but most people don't get to the waterfall
well we did!
We will fight together
to get through this endless nightmare.
Together we will fight this
and make it back safe from this waterfall

Anonymous

Cancer is evil

Cancer is evil we all know this is true
But there isn't much you can do
People die and people cry
Family will always be there by your side
Look for the future and wish for the best
Never give up and fight with the rest

Ashley Eubanks 1316 Iuka St. Tama, Iowa 52339

God's Promise by  Haley

God didn't promise days without pain,
Laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain.
But God did promise strength for the day,

Comfort for the tears and light for the way.
And all who believe in His kingdom above.
He answers their faith with everlasting love.

God Bless!

Cherished memories   by  Jacob Murillo 

Cancer will never take away;

our cherished memories.

it will never take away

our love.

cancer will only make

my family stronger.

Is it September Already??

Tomorrow, I have my 6-month blood work, scan, and doctor visit.  I'd really appreciate your prayers.  I have a small growth behind my right ear, so they will be scanning my neck and head area too.  Normally they scan from my chest downward.  I know this is probably just an enlarged lymph node...completely harmless, but with cancer you can never be too careful.  I'd just feel better if it weren't so close to the original cancer site.  :-)

Update to follow.  Love to all....

Another Clean Scan!

So sorry I haven't blogged in so long!  Thankfully, there hasn't been much to post regarding my testing and lab work.  I visited the clinic again in late March for another CT scan, lab work, and doctor visit.  Everything looked great!  I've decided to leave the necrosis area alone.  It is a little bothersome, but now worth another surgery.

Upcoming Check-ups:
Mammogram/Ultrasound on May 4th
Next Scan in September

Oh, and I've started another part-time job.  I love it and really enjoy the feeling of being back to "normal".  My hair has been a constant source of frustration for me.  It is getting so long and thick, I only wash it once a week.  I alternate between straightening it and wearing it curly (twisted out).  I'm still not ready to cut it.  :-)

Unexpected Meeting with Dr. T

The West Clinic called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that Dr. T wants to see me.  That appointment took place today.  He wants to do another round of blood work and another CT Scan in late March "just to be sure" about the mass that was not biopsied.  It is scheduled for Wednesday, March 28th.

Hair Growth - 17 Months Post-Chemo

Flat-ironed hair measures about 5.5 inches long now.  I still don't know what I want to do with it though.  :-)

 Curled - Sunday night

All Clear

So, like I thought, the mass is nothing to worry about!  I didn't even have the biopsy.  When they did the ultrasound to locate the mass to be biopsied, the mass appeared to be only fat and tissue.  The radiologist said there was nothing he could see to be biopsied (no dark areas).  Yay!  However, I told him to make sure he tells Dr. T.  If he is okay with not doing the biopsy, I am.  After all, he's the one who ordered it.  I was out of there in 1.5 hours instead of 6-7 hours.  

Biopsy Tomorrow

My biopsy is scheduled for tomorrow.  I'm not concerned about it though.  I'll meet with Dr. T on Thursday afternoon to discuss the results.  Thanks for the prayers!

"No Stone Unturned"

Thank you for continuing to follow my story and praying for me.  I still need it.  :-)

Today, I had my 6-month CT scan.  At first, Dr. T. said it looked “perfect”.  As we continued talking, I asked him if he received a call from Dr. V (plastic surgeon).  He said he had a message to call him back and wanted to know what that was about.  Okay, let me back up. 

Yesterday, I had a follow-up with Dr. V.  I asked him about a hard area above my reconstructed breast that I noticed in July but never went away.  In fact, it has gotten larger.  He seemed concerned about it and considered ordering an MRI.  After I told him that I had a CT scan scheduled for “tomorrow”, he said he’d call Dr. T to discuss his opinion on the mass.  He said he thinks it’s fat necrosis from the reconstruction surgery, but the oncologist will probably want to check it out.

Back to today.  Dr. T said he had heard from Dr. V, but he was not in the office at the time and hadn’t had a chance to call him back.  He examined me and seemed surprised at the size of the hard mass.  He walked to the radiology department to see the CT scan for himself.  When he returned, he said on the scan, it looked like a lump.  He thinks it’s fat necrosis, but can’t know for sure until it is biopsied.  So, I'm thinking, "what happened to it being 'perfect'?"  He wanted me to have the biopsy done today, but it was 2pm and they couldn’t do it.  I scheduled for tomorrow morning and left.

When I left and read the biopsy information, it revealed an all-day ordeal for a simple needle biopsy.  I’m not sure why.  When I had one in 2010 (at another doctor’s office), it was done in the office then I left afterward.  No big deal.  At the WC, they want me to not have anything to eat after midnight, have blood work, wait 1.5 hours, have an hour procedure, wait in recovery for 3 hours, then have someone there to drive me home.  WHAT??!!  I can’t do all that tomorrow.  Besides, I don’t want the kids to know about this concern, or anyone else for that matter.  It was just too much for me to try to plan for in such a short period of time, so I rescheduled for Feb 7 at 9:30 – with a follow-up visit on Feb 9.  Then, we can confirm fat necrosis and move on.  Goodnight folks!

New Year 2012

Today, we celebrated the first day of 2012.  The Christmas lights and decorations were taken down and boxed up.  We ate black-eyed peas, barbecue chicken, rice, and cornbread.  We did some after-Christmas bargain shopping.  We have only one more day of the winter break before Sarah and Camille return to school on Tuesday.  It’s been a nice break.

With 2010 and 2011 being so consumed with cancer treatments and surgeries, I’ve gotta tell you, I’m overwhelmed with the wonderful things I want to do this year.  I see this year as the year of my return to “normal”.  I don’t like making “New Year’s resolutions”, but this year I’m very tempted…if only I could keep it realistic.  This year, I want to do several things:

1. Daily bible readings with the girls.  Since we stopped home schooling, this has fallen by the wayside.  Our schedules are hectic.  We’re up and out at different times of the morning and evening.  There just doesn’t seem to be a regular time of day that we’re all up and home.  However, this must be done.  It’s important for me and for the kids.  I hope Terry will join in too.
2. Private bible study time.  I’ve tried this from time to time and have not been faithful for more than a few weeks.  This is something I need to do this year too.  I wonder though, if I do bible time with the kids, will that be enough?  I know… shame on me!
3. Regular exercise.  This one is a must, but I have to do it correctly and do it slowly.  I know myself, and I MUST have a schedule.  I live by lists, and I’m foolish to think I can stick to any plan without a schedule.  Period.  I bought a book while I was undergoing chemotherapy titled The Breast Cancer Survivor’s Guide to Fitness.  It seems to be the best resource for me now.  The doctors know the importance of strength training and exercise as it relates to mastectomy, radiation, and reconstruction.  There are many do’s and don’ts for us survivors, and this book carefully lays it out there for me.  Two mistakes I’d probably make without a guide are: (1) set rigid goals that get me going, but I cannot sustain and (2) skipping days due to busyness, weather, laziness, etc.  Also, I tend to push myself when I set a goal, and with my high risk for lymph edema, I can’t afford to do that. 
4. Get an additional job.  This one is more of a necessity than a desire, but it is a desire nonetheless.  I’d like to bring more income into the household.  I can’t decide though what I want to do or what I need to do.  I will continue teaching at PTC, but I want to also do something part-time here in Collierville.  Work days and schedules would be very limited since I have so many responsibilities with the kids and Terry works 75+ hours per week.  My family really is my top priority.  However, I have considered working full-time for the right agency…like Agape.  :-)  How I’d manage that though, I have NO idea.  So for now, I scan the online job sites and try see if anything jumps out at me.  I wish I could text God for an immediate answer.
5. Get to bed earlier each night (by 10:00pm).  LOL!  How embarrassing to be writing this at almost 2am.

So, see… I have several areas that I want to improve in 2012.  Realistically speaking, I can’t try to commit to them all.  For now, as I write this, I think #1 and #3 are the most pressing.  We’ll see how it pans out.

Surgery...Done

My surgery was yesterday morning and it went well.  I'm covered in bandages for a while and on pain meds and antibiotics.  I slept all the way to Pine Bluff after the surgery, and I get to recover at home with my entire family.  I'm a very happy person right now.  Hopefully, this will be the last of my cancer surgeries/treatments.  I feel like I'm about to close this chapter of my journey.  Hallelujah!!  I'm having surgery soreness and lots of throat pain, but I'm treating it as best I can.  I may not be able to eat much Thanksgiving dinner today, but maybe by the weekend my throat will allow it.  Pardon my ramblings, but pain meds can do that to me.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Another Surgery

Update:  Well, the abdominal pains are still there and still a mystery.  I've had a CT Scan and even went to a GI doc to explore possibilities.  They started a round of tests too.  I will probably call my oncologist again to have that MRI done since it's still here after 3+ weeks.

Surgery:  As far as I know, the outpatient surgery is still on for Wednesday.  My surgeon wants to see me tomorrow to discuss the abdominal pain I've had.  It's not in an incision spot, so I think we'll have this one as planned.  This procedure will start at 7:30 and will last about 3 hours.  I hope to be home by 3:00 or so and feeling pretty normal in 1 day or so.  Hopefully, I'll have an appetite for Thursday's dinner.  ;-)  On a side note, I find that I'm tired don't want to go to bed like I usually do around 9:00.  It may be some anxiety about the procedure. As usual, prayers are appreciated.  Thank you.

Abdominal Problems

Just when I thought I was on my way to a full recovery, I started having pain in the left side of my abdomen.  It's been two weeks and the pain is still very intense.  I called my doctor's office after a few days of the pain, and they brought me in for a CT scan.  I was told that it looked okay but to come back for an MRI if it continues for two weeks.  So, I wait. 

The pain is still there - especially during the evening hours and when I pull or bend.  I have made an appointment with a gastroenterologist for next Wednesday, and my plastic surgeon wants to see the CT scan report and film next week to determine if this will impact my upcoming surgery.

The pain started like a cramp in a distinct area in the left side of my abdomen.  I stretched to see if it would go away, but it didn't.  It worsened and seemed to go through to my back in the same area.  It interferes with my ability to get to sleep at night, but it responds to pain medicine and eases when I find a comfortable position and be still.  I know something's going on in there, but I'm not sure if it's muscular or digestive.  The scan showed that my kidneys looked fine.

So, here's another thing to add to your prayer list.  :-) 

Life as Usual

The 2011 Race for the Cure - Memphis went very well. It was only one-fourth the size of the race in Little Rock, but it was very nice.  I walked the entire 5K.  I haven't done that since before chemo.  Oh, and all three of my girls did it with me...yes, even Camille!! 

I've been pondering several things lately.  I still have a few loose ends to take care of, but I'm looking forward to getting involved in some very worthy causes.  I don't know how much of it I'm up to yet, but I know it's a passion, so I'm leaving it up to God.  Also, I really need to get moving physically.  I need to start an exercise program as soon as I can get rid of these pains.  I never expected the July surgery to affect me this long.  But, it is what it is.

I know I should take my time and get well, but to me, some things just need to be DONE.  There are so many needs out there and so few willing contributors.  As author Ron Hall said at last night's Heartlight, "What will happen to them if I DON'T stop and help?"

BC Fighters

As I sit here preparing my mind for Saturday's festivities, I will try to list all the breast cancer survivors that I know personally and will be walking in honor of this Saturday.  It's a long list,  but hey, isn't that wonderful???????

SV Church:
Tricia L.
LeAn R.
Bettye L.
Corrine G.
Liz C.
Charlotte B.
Denise H.
Kathy G.
Carol
Rhonda B.

Central Church:
Valerie P.
Laverne W.
Susan H.

Friends and Family:
Veronica S.
Denise W.
Regina B.
Janice B.
Patty R.

Thankfully, I don't know very many who have succumbed to this disease.  Here are the ladies in whose memory I'll be walking Saturday:
Carolyn T.
Dorothy H.
Andrea B.
Barbara J.
Glenda

Getting Itchy

Still waiting for the results from my blood work.  Still have the "rash".  Now, it's itchy at times.  I lost my paper prescription, so I'll call tomorrow to ask for it to be called in and to check on my blood work.

Outpatient surgery has been scheduled for Wednesday, November 23rd.  This is Thanksgiving Eve, so it looks like we won't be traveling for Thanksgiving after all.  Should be a quick recovery though - back to normal when the kids go back to school that next Monday!

Hair Regrowth

I can't believe how much my hair has grown.  It feels baby-soft too.  Here are some pictures of a style I experimented with tonight.  It was blow dried, flat ironed, and curled.

Still Updating...

I’m not sure how many still read this blog, which is a good thing.  That means not much is going on with regards to my cancer treatment.  J  In some ways, the time has flown by, but in others, it seems like this has been a very LONG year and a half.  Those of you who are still checking on my and praying for me, I thank you. 

Please don’t stop praying for cancer survivors because this is something we will have to live with our entire lives: oncology checkups, body scans, blood work, the emotional pain of learning of another cancer patient who has relapsed or passed away, and the fear that anything “unusual changes” should be checked out.  I was told at the start of my journey, “once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient”.  I now understand what that means.  So, keep us in your thoughts and your prayers.

At this point, my healing has greatly improved.   I no longer have to pack my abdominal wound.  YAY!!!  And the upper wound is getting noticeably shallower each week.  At this week’s follow-up appointment, my surgeon talked about scheduling the second phase of my reconstruction for middle October.  This phase will be outpatient surgery at Baptist East and should be a very quick recovery – 2-3 days since I work from home.  Thankfully, we have Fall break during the middle of October, so I hope it can be scheduled for that week.  Terry plans to be off that week too.  This procedure will be symmetric adjustments and other tweaks.  There are lots of little things to do, but nothing major.  The surgery should take about 3 hours, but with pre-surgery and recovery, I’ll be there most of the day.  I’m excited about the changes that will occur from this phase.

On a slightly irritable note, I am going to the oncologist office today at noon to have a sudden “rash” checked out.  It came on suddenly, in several parts of my body, and does not itch.  It has been there for 3 weeks and has not improved.  The doctor want to know about anything unusual that happens and does not go away in 2 weeks.  They may order blood work too.  We’ll see…

Rough Week - Prayers Please

It's been a difficult week for me, emotionally.  I'm dealing with many residual effects of the cancer (non-physical stuff).  I guess you can say, I'm feeling faith "growing pains".  Throughout this cancer journey, I've lost a lot of things, and with each loss, I've learned to trust in God all the more.  I know God is (and will be) glorified through all this.  I just need your prayers in the midst of it all.  Thank you.

Seeing Some Improvement

Since my last post, my wounds seem to have filled in a bit.  The pain has subsided a lot too.  I will visit with my surgeon again Tuesday to see how much I've progressed.  I hope he'll be able to give me an idea of how long this will last. At my last visit, I asked my surgeon why he won't just re-stitch me.  He explained the risk of infection if he did that.  For some reason, some special cases (like me) have wounds that re-open after the stitches are removed.

6 Weeks Post-Op

I had expected to be in "full steam ahead" mode by now, but it's not happening.  My surgical wounds are still far from healed.  In fact, I was in Dr. V's office yesterday almost certain I had an infection in the wound area.  Thankfully, nothing is infected.  The healing is very slow, but the tissue inside the wounds still looks healthy, according to the doctor.  To help speed it along, I need to increase my intake of protein and vitamin C.  And, it appears that I was packing my wounds too tight, which was contributing to the pain. 

I've researched this enough to know that a big part of the problem is my BMI.  Additional flab decreases the blood flow necessary to speed up healing.  Also, chemotherapy plays a part in the healing factor.  As Dr. V told me yesterday, "it will happen... it just will take some time".